The Cross of Schizophrenia

How I Found Healing Through Christ 

My name is Robert (John) Connolly, and I am an American Orthodox Christian living in Japan. During my time serving in the US military in Japan, I developed schizophrenia, which completely turned my life upside down. This illness started a long, deeply painful, process of seeking healing and searching for God, which ultimately led me into the Orthodox Church. My journey has been filled with much love, suffering, and unexpected surprises. Over the past few years, I’ve had time to reflect on what this illness means to me and how I can use this experience to help others. I pray that by sharing my story it may reach those who will benefit from it.

When my symptoms first started, I was a US military member already stationed overseas in Japan. My life was relatively normal, whatever that meant to me at the time, but one night, something just snapped and everything was different. All at once, I was hurled into a psychotic disconnection from reality, extreme suicidal depression, and such an inability to control my own brain that I was terrified I would hurt myself or someone else. I knew something horrible was going to happen if I didn’t get help immediately. Multiple visits to the emergency room and mental health clinic only led to me being given the wrong diagnosis and medications.

So here I was, an undiagnosed, unmedicated schizophrenic, sent out into the world. It was roughly a year before I was ever given the proper diagnosis and medication for my illness, so for the entirety of that year I was experiencing the full severity of a psychotic illness with little to no proper treatment.

Earthly Treatment

After receiving a proper diagnosis, it was still an uphill battle. The medications for schizophrenia are extremely powerful and come with heavy side effects. I struggled with cognitive decline, extreme sedation, and a total loss of emotion. This is often seen as the necessary price to pay to treat severe mental illness. All of the side effects combined until I couldn’t understand basic concepts without real struggle, was totally unable to stay awake throughout the day, and had no emotional highs or lows, just a constant feeling of emptiness. The medication only slightly reduced my symptoms, but created so many new problems that I was left wondering if I was even worse off than before. Looking back, I’m often surprised that I was able to survive this period of my life.

I had grown up as a nominal Christian, attending random churches with my family as a child, but in my later teenage years and early twenties, I basically fell away from the faith. I never gave it much thought, and if anybody asked me if I was a Christian, I would have surely said that I was. I never thought about what that meant or what it really looked like to be “saved”. I thought I was just supposed to go through life and be a good person and then hopefully go to heaven when I died.

The Search for God in Japan

All of this leads to a cry for help. I’m struggling with schizophrenia, and so suicidal that I don’t know how I survived. This is when I begin searching for the God I left behind. I told myself, “He’s God, right? Of course, He can help me.” Although I was struggling immensely with cognitive issues from both my illness and medication, I began the long process of trying to understand what was happening to me, why it was happening, and how God could help me.

So here I am, attempting to reclaim my Christian faith and establish a real relationship with God for the first time in my life. I realized I needed to figure out what it really meant to be a Christian because I felt so distant from God. Whatever I had done up to this point in my life simply had not been working. Now I had not only a separation from God to deal with, but also a severe mental disability. Searching for God was a long process, but after a recommendation from a dear friend of mine to study the faith and church history, I eventually found myself embracing ancient Christianity in the Orthodox Church.

There was still one big problem. I was stationed in Japan, which is not a very Christian country. Orthodoxy was an even smaller percentage of the already small number of Christians that did exist. I knew I wanted to convert, but it felt impossible in Japan with such limited access. I ended up visiting the Japanese Orthodox Church a few times, but the entire Liturgy was in Japanese (which I do not speak at all), and the priest hardly spoke any English. How was I supposed to be instructed in the faith and eventually baptized? Thankfully, God granted me just enough desire and sanity to not completely give up.

I continued consuming Orthodox Christian content online as this was all I thought I could do at this point. One day, during a livestream question and answer session, I asked the priest how to practice the faith while living in Japan. He referred me to the Romanian Church in Tokyo and said that the priest there spoke English. I found them online, established a relationship with that priest over the phone, and eventually began to make the 6-hour trip from my military base to the Church in Tokyo as often as I could. Father Daniel of the Romanian Church in Japan eventually became my spiritual father/confessor and would end up being the one to baptize me in the near future.

Vexing Mental Illness

I was still experiencing the intensity of schizophrenic symptoms along with the severe side effects of the medication throughout my whole conversion process. Going out in public was an experience of paranoid delusions, thinking people were spying on me or plotting against me. I even had episodes thinking that the TV was talking to me or sending me messages, as well as thinking social media pictures were staring into my soul. Often, I would be traveling to the Church in Tokyo on the Japanese bullet train, and falling asleep due to the horrible sedation from the meds. I also struggled to stay awake and make it through the long Orthodox Church worship services.

Heavenly Treatment

Looking back, I really struggled all the way up to my baptism, but God’s grace sustained me throughout the conversion. I seriously did not do this on my own strength, as I truly had none left to give. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, He was strengthening me throughout this whole conversion process, probably to prepare me for the spiritual battlefield I would soon enter upon baptism. That was something I had never before encountered in any form of Christianity that I had experienced in my life.

Because the church was so far away, I was still isolated most of the time. I continued to read books and watch online content for most of my catechism, as well as slowly began to establish a life of prayer under the guidance of my new spiritual father. Perhaps this is an example of some of the great benefits that online/social media content can have when used properly. I probably would have never discovered the Orthodox Church without it, and would have been stuck in mental illness and the suicidal thoughts without much hope of getting out.

I desperately wanted Christ to heal me. During this journey, I began to learn from the Church that I was not only mentally sick, but spiritually sick. I began to understand that my sins were a part of my sickness, and that the Church was the hospital for souls with Christ as our great healer. I came to Him for help, and I surely found it, but it was not at all what I had expected.  

The Medicine of Christ the Healer

A major part of embracing the Church was about forcing myself to confront my sins and my overall brokenness. I learned to recognize myself for who I really was—for who I really am. I wasn’t expecting this at all. Honestly, I was expecting some help with my mental health. In the Church, I had indeed found mental healing (far more than secular psychology or therapy ever provided), but more importantly, I found spiritual healing for the first time in my life.

The most unexpected thing I encountered on this journey was this: God used this illness to bring me away from sin and to Him through this means of suffering. I now count this illness as a great blessing from the Lord because it is what He used to bring me into a relationship with Him for the very first time in my life. This is a very personal example of the redemptive power of suffering, and of God using His perfect providence to save us. You might ask, “What about the horrible pain and suffering?” Well, I would reply, “What’s worse? A temporary life of suffering on this earth, or eternal separation from God for all eternity in the next life?”

God saved me from myself. Perhaps this mental pain was exactly what I needed to wake up from my deep slumber, my comfort in living a worldly, sinful life, and find the God that I didn’t even know I was missing. He used this dramatic experience to save my soul. This has proven to me that He knows what we need more than we ever will. Through this experience, my mental illness made me seek God. When I encountered Him through the Church, for the first time in my life I also encountered myself as I really was, a broken sinner in desperate need of God’s healing. 

My Baptism and My Cross

After about a year, I had finished my catechism and was baptized into the church, embracing a life of prayer and repentance. I continued devouring books on spirituality, theology, and church history. I honestly became obsessed with these things because I found so much hope amidst the pain that I was still experiencing. I had finally found the light that overcame the darkness in my life. I want to be clear, that doesn’t mean that my suffering and pain disappeared, but rather that God’s grace nourished me to endure the necessary difficulties of this life on earth. I would now venture to say that it’s more remarkable that God gave me the strength to overcome this pain rather than just miraculously taking it away, as I may have originally expected or desired.

Before, I had nearly lost all hope for really improving my mental illness throughout the long treatment process. I had pretty much accepted that I would suffer with schizophrenia symptoms, and be on these horrible meds, for the rest of my life. In all honesty, my cognitive decline from the combined illness and medication was so horrible that I couldn’t think clearly, so I had never even been able to seriously consider that there might still be hope for healing this illness. This sort of cognitive decline is hard to put into words, my brain simply struggled to develop any thoughts and I was operating mostly in zombie mode, barely thinking or surviving. The faith had given me salvation to strive for, a reason to live, embrace the pain, and not entertain my suicidal ideations, but I never thought I would be free from the severity of my symptoms. However, during this process, something unexpected happened.

So, there I was, a newly baptized Orthodox Christian and schizophrenia was my cross. Christ had His cross and He commanded us to take up ours and follow Him. This is the cross that God has given me and as I’ve reflected, I’ve slowly begun to find true beauty in it. As our savior has shown us, the cross is the only path to paradise. What could be more beautiful than that? Who am I to argue with the cross our Creator has chosen for me?

My priest, Father Daniel told me during a difficult episode of mental illness that, “the crucifixion must come before the resurrection.” Christ is our perfect, living example, and He has shown us that embracing our cross is the ultimate truth of our existence. For the first time in my life, I was now beginning to understand the meaning of all this pain. I can honestly say that I believe finding Christ gives meaning to all the pain we experience in our lives, no matter the cause.

Eventually, I encountered other holistic healing methods for severe mental illness. I adopted a ketogenic diet which began to drastically reduce my symptoms. For the first time since my illness started, I began to feel more “normal”. I was eventually able to reduce my medication to one of the lowest possible doses, which reduced the horrible side effects and also gave me more of my life back. I continued experimenting with nutrition, exercise, and med reduction, and eventually was in remission for the first time. Glory to God, this was truly an unexpected blessing. In the beginning, I may have expected a miraculous healing, but thankfully I endured long enough to discover that God can work and heal us through many different means.

This experience taught me that we should always have faith and that God will provide the specific methods in His perfect timing. What that looks like for each one of us, only He knows. If I didn’t have the faith, I wouldn’t have survived long enough to find healing for my illness. It’s important for me to always remember that if I hadn’t experienced the severity of this illness, I never would have found Him. It’s equally important to remember that God has brought me through the worst times in the past, and will continue to do so in the future, even when I have absolutely no idea what is happening.

Test of Faith 

Now, whether I’m healthy or my symptoms flare up, I continue to trust in the path He has laid out for me. I’m the best I have been in three years, but sometimes my illness creeps up with new episodes, and it is still very painful. But now I have a new perspective that this is all for a reason, the ultimate reason: the salvation of my soul.

Throughout all this, I had been praying for the love, faith, and strength to continue steadfastly in the faith. It’s easier to trust Him when all is going well, but when everything falls apart and you are delusional, paranoid, and suicidal, it’s a real test of faith. Losing control of your own brain is probably an extreme example of a test of faith, but I’m trying my best to trust in His providence rather than my own understanding.

Understanding that all of the pain was for a greater good helped me begin to develop gratitude for God’s work in my life. The great Saint, John Chrysostom, during his final exile that led to his painful death said just before he died, “Glory to God for all things!” This is one of my favorite quotes of all time, and I believe there is much wisdom in the gratitude of this great saint. These words have really gotten me through some very difficult times. If only we could all truly embrace this level of thankfulness for the pains and sorrows in our lives. After all, God has allowed these experiences for our spiritual growth and salvation, and there is nothing greater than that.

I’ve come to know that He loves us more than we could ever love ourselves, and He knows what we need far more than we ever will. He is incomprehensible for our limited minds, but everything He does is perfect. I believe we have to accept this as best we can, especially when life seems dark and unbearable. He is that light in the darkness, but I think the problem is that sometimes we just can’t see or understand what He is doing with us. I think it’s okay to not understand, and even very beneficial for our souls, because that is when we really start to embrace faith and love more than ever before.

Love of God 

In the Church, I have come to understand that love for God is the ultimate virtue. Christ teaches us in the Gospel that love for God is the greatest of all the commandments. If we love Him, all things flow naturally in our lives. Love leads us to all other virtues because when we truly love Him, we will follow Him with faith and keep His commandments. We will deny ourselves and our sin just to be with Him. I learned that love is not merely a mental idea or even a feeling. Many times, I could feel nothing at all due to my mental state, but I have learned not to trust these feelings (or lack thereof) and to try my best to continue on the proper path despite how I may feel. This is all part of denying my sinful self and following Him. This communion with Him is a relationship of love that very naturally leads us to salvation.

I believe that I have slowly been formed in this relationship of love throughout this entire journey, even when I didn’t consciously realize it. This is especially true in the early stages when I had very little control over my symptoms or cognitive abilities. Entering the church can really be summed up as the continual process of both finding a deeper love for God and accepting His infinite love for us. This is such a long and truly painful process, because we are fighting our sin every step of the way. As much as I am trying, I know that my love is nowhere near perfect because I am a fallen man, but His love has always been perfect and sustained me. While writing this and looking back at everything I’ve been through more intimately than ever before, I am certain that His love is the only reason I have made it this far.

“We love Him because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:19